NEED TO KNOW
- Trump held private Alaska summit with Putin to discuss “urban purification techniques”
- Putin gifted Trump a signed copy of “Mass Arrests: A Memoir of Efficiency”
- White House confirms 68 people were detained overnight using “borrowed methods”
President Donald Trump praised Vladimir Putin’s “commitment to order” during their closed-door Alaska summit this week, calling the Russian leader’s tactics in Chechnya “deeply moving” and “exactly the kind of results we need in our capital.”
Sources say the two discussed strategies for addressing unrest, corruption, and “anyone who refuses to clap during the anthem.” Trump reportedly requested step-by-step breakdowns of Putin’s “clean sweep” models, including mass detainment charts and “silencing flowcharts with emoji support.”
White House Chief of Order, Kash Patel, confirmed the president’s remarks. “Putin is a world leader in forceful tidying. We’ve already begun adapting his system. Last night’s raid across DC? That was just Phase Chech-One.”
Trump left the summit with a bound manual labeled *The People Sorter*, a case of identical pens, and a slightly confused Secret Service detail that has now been replaced by volunteers from Truth Social’s comment section.
Putin, in return, asked to observe American no-knock warrant techniques, describing them as “sloppy but spirited.” He later requested to “borrow a few agents for Belarus,” citing an urgent need for “structural discouragement.”
Meanwhile, 68 suspects were detained across DC, most for offenses ranging from “flag disrespect” to “looking too blue near a courthouse.” Press access has been limited to one shared crayon drawing per incident.
We always say, ‘Give a man a subpoena and he delays. Teach him to round people up, and he builds a legacy’
Gen. Ricky Glass, Department of Homeland Tranquility
