NEED TO KNOW
- MLK Jr.’s FBI files released alongside Trump’s 2019 Happy Meal receipts “for balance.”
- Tulsi Gabbard calls it a “major win for history and combo upgrades.”
- Bernice King posts “Do the Epstein files next” with a side-eye emoji.
In a press conference flanked by Ronald McDonald and a suspiciously quiet Alveda King, President Donald Trump kicked off what he dubbed “Transparency Week,” declassifying the FBI files on Martin Luther King Jr., John F. Kennedy, Robert F. Kennedy, and, for good measure, his own McDonald’s order history.
“This is a big day for truth, folks,” Trump said. “People have been asking about MLK, JFK, RFK, and most importantly, did I order extra pickles in 2019? The answer is yes. Tremendous pickles.”
Tulsi Gabbard, now Director of National Intelligence and unofficial spokesperson for “vibes-based foreign policy,” praised the move as “historic and keto-friendly.” She said digitizing the MLK surveillance tapes and Trump’s DoorDash screenshots took “a lot of bandwidth, emotionally and literally.”
While the King family urged empathy, Bernice King broke silence by posting an uncaptioned photo of her father looking annoyed, followed by “Now do the Epstein files,” triggering an immediate Truth Social meltdown and seven new subpoenas.
Meanwhile, civil rights scholars reported the newly released MLK files were “heavily redacted but now in Comic Sans.” One historian noted, “Every page ends with ‘PS: Hoover was totally not jealous.’”
“Transparency is good,” Trump added, “as long as we stop short of the Mar-a-Lago bathroom logs.”
The King Center responded with a formal statement titled “This Is Not What We Meant by Legacy Preservation.”
They said they’d be taking the rest of the week off to scream into a pillow.
Quote of the moment
Every American deserves to know who killed JFK and whether I got a Filet-O-Fish at 2 a.m.
Donald Trump
