NEED TO KNOW
- President Trump sends 2,000 National Guardsmen to Los Angeles, claiming he’s “taking back California—Putin style.”
- Governor Gavin Newsom accuses Trump of watching too many “risk board game tutorials” on YouTube.
- Hollywood already in pre-production for “Red, White & Bruised: The Battle for LA.”
Trump’s Coastal Ambitions Hit the Pacific
President Trump has never been one to let a good invasion go to waste. After studying Putin’s recent moves in Ukraine, Trump decided it was finally time to retake California—starting with Los Angeles. He deployed 2,000 National Guardsmen in what insiders are calling “Operation Overtake Cali.” Aides claim Trump was last seen in the Situation Room hunched over a Risk board, muttering about “bonus armies for the entire West Coast.”
Newsom Fires Back with Avocado Toast Diplomacy
California Governor Gavin Newsom wasn’t impressed. At a press conference flanked by vegan donuts and cold brew, Newsom said, “If Trump wants to play general, he better be ready for the traffic on the 405.” The governor then offered the National Guard complimentary yoga classes and a tour of Silver Lake, promising anyone who deserts gets a lifetime supply of oat milk lattes.
National Guard Encounters ‘Hostile’ LA Weather, Instagrammers
Reports from the front lines say the biggest challenge for the Guard wasn’t protesters, but LA’s relentless June gloom and an army of TikTokers livestreaming every move. Morale suffered when a Guardsman’s Humvee was boxed in by six food trucks, and several soldiers were seen buying acai bowls instead of patrolling.
Hollywood Writes the Script
Not one to let a juicy conflict slip by, Hollywood executives announced “Red, White & Bruised: The Battle for LA” starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as a National Guard commander with a secret love for kale. The script, written entirely in emoji, has already been optioned for a summer blockbuster. Trump is rumored to have requested a cameo where he single-handedly takes Malibu.
Is Venice Beach Next?
As the dust settles, sources say Trump is eyeing Venice Beach for his next conquest, hoping to finally win over California’s elusive surfer vote. Lifeguards remain on high alert. Meanwhile, Newsom is setting up “Free Hug” stations to calm tensions, and LA’s remaining avocado supply has officially been declared a state treasure.
Quote of the Moment
Risk is just war, but with more plastic pieces and way less avocado toast
National Guardsman, reportedly standing in line for brunch on Melrose
