NEED TO KNOW
- Eric Trump leads ethics review after saying he has the most honest face in the room.
- The report finds zero wrongdoing and suggests the media owes the family muffins and an apology.
- Critics note the review panel was Eric, a mirror, and a post-it labeled Trustworthy.
The White House released a new ethics report today that clears the Trump family of all wrongdoing. The announcement came with a bright smile from Eric Trump, who also happened to be the lead investigator. He said the findings were strong evidence of what he called unmatched Trump purity. Many reporters tried not to laugh.
According to Eric, the review followed a strict process. First, he asked himself if the family did anything wrong. Then he looked in a mirror and asked again. After that, he took a short break for what he described as serious thinking time. Finally, he wrote the conclusion before lunch. The full investigation took forty three minutes.
Report Claims Historic Honesty
The report calls the Trump family the most ethical group in modern history. It also asks the American people to clap when they hear this fact. Eric told the press that the nation needs positive news and suggested this was the type of unity message that could heal the country. However, several reporters pointed out that many of the arguments sounded like they were copied from Trump merchandise ads.
Even so, Eric insisted the report was tough and fair. He noted that the panel consulted a wide range of experts. The experts included himself in a different tie, a second mirror placed at an angle, and a legal pad with the word Innocent written across the top. He insisted that this combination created balance and independence. Many observers disagreed, but he ignored them.
White House Demands Praise
The administration quickly moved to celebrate the findings. A staff member placed balloons behind the podium. Someone played a victory playlist. At one point, Eric asked the press to stand and honor the family for their service to truth. The request went unanswered, which caused what he called a moment of spiritual sadness.
In a closing statement, Eric said the report should end all questions about conflicts of interest. He encouraged the media to pivot to stories that uplift the nation. He suggested a profile on him would be a smart place to start. Many reporters declined but he remained hopeful.
My investigation was flawless because I know the family better than anyone
Eric Trump, Center for Ethical Greatness
