NEED TO KNOW
- Physician says Trump’s heart “beats in time with the national anthem.”
- Medical exam included golf swing diagnostics and Diet Coke tolerance test.
- Trump reportedly asked if “excellent health” comes with a medal.
Miracle of Modern Self-Belief
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House physician released a glowing medical report Thursday claiming President Donald J. Trump is in “excellent overall health,” a statement so impressive it briefly caused every cardiologist at Walter Reed to reconsider the laws of biology.
According to Captain Sean P. Barbabella, D.O., the President’s cardiac age was found to be “approximately fourteen years younger than his chronological age,” placing him somewhere between an eighth grader and a TikTok influencer. The report also credited Trump’s “daily golf activity” for maintaining “remarkable core strength and situational awareness under wind pressure.”
Medical Findings Raise Eyebrows — and Blood Pressure
Sources inside Walter Reed said the evaluation included an advanced imaging scan of Trump’s arteries, a cholesterol reading “classified for national security reasons,” and an optional exam in which he successfully identified a McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish by scent alone from twenty feet away. The test, according to the report, “demonstrated extraordinary olfactory precision and executive function.”
When asked to comment, Trump told reporters, “The doctor said I’m the healthiest man he’s ever seen, maybe in history. My heart is tremendous, my lungs are tremendous, even my hair is medically flawless. They said if I ran a mile, the ground would probably lose.”
Science Left Speechless
Medical professionals across the country expressed confusion over the results. “If his cardiac age is fourteen, I’d like to know what planet the heart came from,” said one skeptical researcher. Another added, “We’ve seen miracles before, but this one paid for its own MRI.”
Barbabella stood by his findings, emphasizing that the president “maintains a youthful rhythm unmatched by men half his age.” The report also noted Trump’s “metabolic energy equal to a small power plant,” though it was unclear whether that was a compliment or a cry for help.
As the press conference ended, the physician concluded that Trump “remains in exceptional condition and continues to maintain a demanding daily schedule without restriction.” Minutes later, the president was spotted boarding Marine One, clutching a Diet Coke and declaring, “This is what peak performance looks like.”
America’s leading health experts are still waiting for a peer-reviewed version of the report—or at least a second opinion from someone not wearing a campaign pin.
His doctor has not ruled out declaring Trump immortal pending further testing.
If cholesterol could vote, he’d already be president for life
Dr. Ken Mallard, Mayo Clinic (Ret.)
