What You Need to Know
- Trump unveils a new tariff on Cinco de Mayo celebrations, targeting “unauthorized joy” and “illegal happiness surges.”
- The proposed tax includes margaritas, mariachi music, and “any dancing performed without proper documentation.”
- Critics call it absurd; Trump supporters are already asking if the tariff can be waived for “taco bowls from Trump Tower Grill.”
At a hastily arranged press conference in the Mar-a-Lago courtyard (decorated with a single sad piñata), Donald Trump announced plans to impose a 50% tariff on all fun activities associated with Cinco de Mayo, accusing Mexico of “flooding the U.S. with low-cost celebration and undercutting our domestic joy producers.”
“This is about protecting American values,” Trump said, sipping what appeared to be a frozen margarita in a red Solo cup. “They’re sending over their festivals, their music, their flavor… and quite frankly, it’s too festive. It’s unfair. We used to have the best celebrations. Tremendous parties. Now we’re just subsidizing other people’s happiness.”
Fiesta Freeze
The proposed tariff would apply to a wide range of activities, including:
- $5 fee for every piñata strike
- 12% surcharge on any tequila consumed in the presence of a mariachi band
- A “Wall Tax” for anyone doing the Macarena within 100 feet of guacamole
- Emergency 100% surcharge on “unsanctioned sombrero-based enthusiasm”
Trump claimed the move would “bring party production back to American soil” and promised that future White House fiestas would include “only English-language music and very serious, respectful nachos.”
“I Love Cinco De Mayo — I Just Don’t Trust It”
When asked why he was targeting a holiday that celebrates Mexican heritage and American friendship, Trump clarified: “Look, I love Cinco de Mayo. Probably love it more than Mexicans do. But this isn’t about love — it’s about leverage.”
He then pulled out a photo of himself from 2016 eating a taco bowl at Trump Tower and reminded reporters, “I’ve supported their culture… from the food court. I even said it was the best taco bowl. Still true.”
Public Reactions: Spicy and Confused
The internet responded within seconds. Critics called the policy “a Buzzkill Wall you can’t see but can definitely feel.” One commenter wrote, “He finally found a way to deport joy.”
Meanwhile, some of Trump’s base celebrated the announcement, stating that “American fun should be made in America.” One supporter on Truth Social asked, “Does this mean we can finally shut down salsa dancing and bring back line dancing in Applebee’s parking lots?”
Future Plans Include “July 4th Sanctions”
In closing, Trump hinted he might expand the tariff model to include other holidays that “have gotten out of control,” such as:
- Fourth of July: Too many fireworks “made in China”
- Halloween: “Unpatriotic candy imports”
- Thanksgiving: “Woke turkeys and radical stuffing”
He concluded, “We’re going to win at celebrating again. But we’re going to do it the American way — overpriced, overcooked, and with zero foreign spices.”
