NEED TO KNOW
- Hurricane Hunters enter the Gulf to determine if Stormy McStormface is a storm or just Texas humidity with branding.
- Gov. Abbott activates resources, including the state’s largest Buc-ee’s parking lot as an evacuation hub.
- Locals debate whether Stormy McStormface is a weather threat or an excuse to skip work and drink Lone Star.
Texas is preparing for a meteorological clash dubbed the “Gulf of America vs Gulf of Mexico” as Tropical Disturbance Stormy McStormface spins toward the coast. Officials say the system could dump heavy rain on the Lone Star State, though locals remain split on whether Stormy McStormface will be a tropical depression or just the world’s largest sweaty handshake.
Hurricane Hunters flew into Stormy McStormface Thursday to measure wind speeds, moisture content, and the overall vibe. Their early findings: “smells like brisket, feels like regret.” Gov. Greg Abbott has activated state resources, warning of dangerous travel conditions and possible flash flooding. He also urged residents to check road conditions and to “stop trying to surf storm swells in cowboy boots.”
Meanwhile, conspiracy-prone Facebook groups have declared Stormy McStormface a false flag designed to boost sales of bottled water and propane. Coastal residents are stocking up anyway, with some reporting that the beer aisle is emptier than the bread aisle. “This isn’t my first rodeo,” said Corpus Christi resident Dale Thompson. “We’ll ride it out unless the wind blows my smoker into the neighbor’s yard. Then it’s war.”
Forecasters say Stormy McStormface has a medium chance of strengthening before landfall, though the impact on Texas will likely be the same: flooded roads, rip currents, and at least one viral video of a man in jorts wakeboarding down Main Street.
Quote of the moment
If Stormy McStormface wants a fight, Texas will meet him halfway with a cold beer and a side of ribs
Wade McKinney, Gulf Coast Preparedness League
