Key Takeaways
- Ted Cruz launches a new online fundraiser after “accidentally” using the N-word during a Fox News appearance.
- He claims he needs the money for “emergency constitutional recovery” on a Cancun beach with his family.
- The campaign raised over $300,000 in 24 hours, despite bipartisan disbelief and one very confused GoFundMe moderator.
Following a now-viral online fundraiser in which a Minnesota woman profited handsomely after hurling racial slurs at a 5-year-old, Texas Senator Ted Cruz has decided to test the waters—both politically and literally—by doing the same.
During a Fox News segment that nobody remembers the actual topic of, Cruz veered wildly off-script and dropped the N-word with the same confidence he once used to abandon Texas during a power grid failure. Moments later, a shiny new GiveSendGo campaign appeared under the title: “Support Ted’s Racially Charged Family Retreat.”
“I saw what that Minnesota lady pulled off and thought, why not me?” Cruz told reporters, sipping from a coconut adorned with a tiny Texas flag. “Look, if slurs can raise six figures, imagine what a U.S. Senator can do with a little well-timed bigotry and a beach-ready carry-on.”
The Cancun Connection
Cruz claims the funds will go directly toward helping his family “heal from the political backlash of saying things out loud.” According to the campaign bio, the trip will include “soul-searching, margaritas, and no Wi-Fi to avoid mean tweets.”
Critics have questioned the sincerity of the apology Cruz never issued. “You don’t stumble into racism for airline miles,” tweeted one constituent. “At least have the decency to book coach.”
Still, the fundraiser has already crossed $300,000, bolstered by donations from people who think “cancel culture” is a greater threat than climate change, civil rights, or basic human decency.
GOP Silent, But Not Shocked
When asked for comment, Republican colleagues offered a predictable mix of shrugs, evasions, and statements like “I haven’t seen the clip, but I’m sure it’s been taken out of context.”
Meanwhile, Cruz’s press secretary clarified that while the Senator “may have misspoken,” what’s important is that the money helps support “family values” and a resort with decent mojitos.
Privately, insiders say Cruz is considering selling limited-edition “Vacation Patriot” flip-flops emblazoned with quotes like “Freedom Ain’t Free, But Cancun Ain’t Cheap Either.”
Public Backlash and Satirical Whiplash
Social media users were quick to connect the dots between Cruz’s scheme and the original viral fundraiser by Shiloh Hendrix, who infamously raised over $500,000 after verbally attacking a child with autism at a Minnesota playground.
“I guess we’ve entered the Bigotry Monetization Era,” one user wrote. “Can’t wait for the MasterClass.”
Legal analysts have questioned whether exploiting racism for travel points should be subject to campaign finance law or just common decency. Thus far, neither seems to apply.
Where Do We Go From Here?
Despite the controversy, Cruz remains upbeat. “Listen, politics is about adapting,” he said from what appeared to be a beachfront hammock. “And if saying dumb stuff on camera can buy me beachfront shrimp cocktails and a free pass from accountability, well, God bless America.”
He then posted a selfie captioned, “N is for Next Flight Out.”
