NEED TO KNOW
- Secret Service confirmed the package had “at least four different kinds of explosives and a pretty good punchline.”
- Note inside reportedly signed, “Love, Bibi. xoxo.”
- Entire West Wing placed on lockdown while Netanyahu texts “U up?” to Langley.
The Secret Service shut down the White House lawn Thursday after a suspicious package marked “If Found, Please Return to Mossad” appeared outside the North Portico just before dawn. Agents immediately cordoned off the area, then called the Bomb Squad after realizing it didn’t look like the usual Amazon drone drop from Mike Lindell.
Witnesses say the box was medium-sized, ticking slightly, and covered in Hebrew, glitter, and one very threatening Post-it labeled “Contents: Shalom.” Security footage shows the delivery was made by a man in a trench coat who gave a double thumbs-up to the security camera before vanishing into the hedges.
According to anonymous sources, the box contained an unredacted Epstein client list, a forged Mar-a-Lago security badge, and half a falafel. President Trump was rushed to a secure location, although aides clarified that meant the Chick-fil-A kitchen beneath the White House bowling alley.
FBI agents say the box poses “no physical danger,” but admitted they still “don’t want to open it,” citing the last time they touched an Epstein file, their eyebrows fell out and they spoke Flemish for three hours.
Quote of the moment
One agent reportedly screamed, “Why does everything smell like tanning lotion and ketamine?!”
Lt. Marcus Blane, Bomb Squad
