Staten Island, NY — Staten Island is not just aiming to secede from New York City, but it also plans to become its own independent nation-state. The borough, long known for its unique blend of New York toughness and suburban serenity, has decided it’s high time to exercise its “unalienable right” to stand alone, and possibly even establish diplomatic relations with New Jersey.
A Borough Like No Other
“The fine folks of Staten Island have been misunderstood for too long. People think we’re just a pit stop for the Staten Island Ferry or the birthplace of the Wu-Tang Clan,” said Johnny “Two-Bridges” Caputo, the self-appointed “Secretary of Staten-hood.” “It’s time for us to show the world that we’re capable of running our own ship. Literally, because we’ll control the ferries.”
The Staten Island Currency: The “Staten Buck”
One of the most notable aspects of the new plan is the introduction of Staten Island’s own currency, the “Staten Buck.” It is proposed to be printed on durable, water-resistant sheets of pizza dough. Locals believe the Staten Buck will soon become a strong global currency, primarily backed by the “sauce standard.”
“We have engaged in confidential talks with Papa John’s and Domino’s for minting these delectable dollars,” said Angela “Staten Strong” Russo, newly appointed “Minister of the Treasury and Pizzerias.”
A National Anthem to Rival the Best
The borough has also commissioned a team of local musicians, DJs, and sanitation workers to compose a national anthem. Insiders say the anthem includes lyrics about the Staten Island Ferry, traffic on the Verrazzano-Narrows Bridge, and of course, a nod to the famous Staten Island Zoo.
The Space Program: “To the Moon, but First, Jersey”
Perhaps most ambitiously, Staten Island has plans for its own space program. Their first mission: send a man to the moon before returning safely back to the local bar.
“We’re looking to make history here,” stated Sal “Galactic” Marino, Staten Island’s self-designated “NASA Director.” “The sky’s not the limit for Staten Island—our dreams go much further than that. Also, if we can find a way to turn moon rocks into a renewable energy source, that’d be great.”
Diplomatic Relations and Tourism
Staten Island is hoping to leverage its newfound independence to establish diplomatic relations with New Jersey, known for its remarkably similar lifestyle and affinity for Bruce Springsteen.
“We’ve always considered New Jersey to be a kindred spirit. It’s high time we unite in our love for diners, meatball subs, and complaining about the MTA,” noted Gina “Garden State Gal” DeMarco, who has taken on the role of “Secretary of State and Bruce Springsteen Affairs.”
As for tourism, Staten Island plans to redefine its reputation as a must-see destination, with new attractions that will rival the likes of Disneyland.
“We’re planning a ‘Staten Island Small World’ boat ride that takes tourists through miniature versions of our local landmarks, like the garbage dump and that pothole on Hylan Boulevard that’s never been fixed,” said Maria “Tourism Queen” Esposito, head of the “Staten Island Department of Kitsch and Culture.”
As the island prepares for its new era of independence, locals are optimistic but also aware of the challenges ahead.
“It’ll be tough, but if anyone can do it, it’s Staten Islanders,” said Johnny “Two-Bridges” Caputo. “We’ve got grit, resilience, and some of the best pizza this side of the Atlantic. If we can handle the Staten Island Expressway during rush hour, we can handle anything.”
