NEED TO KNOW
- Senators said the worm inside RFK Jr’s brain gave clearer answers than he did.
- The parasite allegedly requested its own microphone during vaccine questions.
- Viewers noted Kennedy nodded along like an intern while the worm handled policy.
The Senate Meets the Real Star
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. faced a tense Senate hearing this week on Vaccines and health policy, but it was not his raspy voice that made headlines. Instead, attention shifted to the parasite rumored to be living in his skull. Witnesses said the brain worm, described as “remarkably focused,” answered questions more clearly than Kennedy himself.
Senators reported that when asked about vaccine panels, Kennedy stumbled, but the worm whispered answers into the microphone that sounded like prepared statements. Staffers scrambled to keep track of which policy positions belonged to the Secretary and which belonged to the organism freeloading inside his head.
The Worm Outshines Its Host
Observers noted the worm appeared energized, even interrupting Kennedy mid-sentence to correct him on data. At one point, Senator Ron Wyden asked if Kennedy had knowingly misled the committee during his confirmation hearing. The worm allegedly muttered, “Yes, but in his defense, he thought it was karaoke night.”
Kennedy attempted to downplay the parasite’s role, claiming the worm was “just a sidekick” and not a policymaker. But multiple senators insisted the creature gave sharper rebuttals than the Secretary, at one point citing footnotes and waving an imaginary PowerPoint clicker.
Calls for New Leadership
By the end of the session, some lawmakers suggested the worm be sworn in as acting Secretary of Health and Human Services. Polling among staffers showed 63 percent trusted the worm’s testimony over Kennedy’s. Lobbyists reportedly began reaching out to the parasite for meetings, describing it as “a pragmatic centrist with impressive recall.”
The White House declined to comment on whether President Trump has spoken directly with the worm. Insiders say Kennedy has already instructed aides to put “joint custody of brain” into his employment contract.
Honestly, the worm gave the most coherent testimony we’ve heard in years.
Senator Patty Murray, Committee on Health
