NEED TO KNOW
- Authorities say Hegseth’s “holy dip” caused $1M in tequila damages.
- Guy Fieri calls the incident “a spiritual heist with top-shelf intentions.”
- Fox News segment planned to rebrand it as a charity event.
Edisto Beach, SC — Former Fox News host and self-proclaimed patriot Pete Hegseth is under investigation after reportedly baptizing himself in a million-dollar stockpile of Santo Tequila, an act he called “a faith-based audit of the liquor supply chain.” Witnesses described the scene as “a cross between communion and Spring Break.”
According to sources, Hegseth claimed he was “testing purity levels” when the trucks mysteriously emptied into what he dubbed the “River of Righteousness.” He allegedly declared, “If it’s good enough for the troops, it’s good enough for me,” before performing three consecutive cannonballs into the crates.
Shots of Redemption
Celebrity chef and tequila co-founder Guy Fieri expressed shock, calling the event “Flavortown meets felony.” He confirmed that the stolen batch included a rare añejo aged longer than most Fox News segments on empathy. “We lost every drop,” Fieri said. “We can’t fill the shelves, and now the troops have to hydrate with seltzer.”
Investigators noted the heist appeared “spiritual but coordinated,” citing footprints leading from the scene shaped like cowboy boots with Bible verses etched in the soles. Authorities are unsure whether the act was criminal or evangelical performance art.
Faith, Freedom, and Fermentation
Fox executives have reportedly pitched the scandal as a potential special titled *Holy Spirits: The Pete Hegseth Story*. Producers say the pilot episode features a reenactment where Hegseth, dressed in a poncho and MAGA rosary, declares the tequila “blessed by the Founding Fathers.”
Meanwhile, online reaction has been mixed. Evangelicals praised Hegseth’s courage “to walk in the agave of the Lord,” while critics accused him of using divine loopholes to dodge accountability. Still, sources inside the network confirmed plans for a redemption arc involving a charity golf scramble named *Putts for Proof*.
Local law enforcement say they are still piecing together clues, though one officer admitted, “Every time we get close, someone yells ‘Amen!’ and takes a shot.”
It’s not every day someone steals faith, freedom, and forty barrels of tequila before noon
Lt. Carlos Mezcal, Bureau of Liquid Justice
