NEED TO KNOW
- Palmer Lake erupts as neighbors declare “Snack-Fueled Civil War” over Buc-ee’s megastore plans.
- Outgoing mayor reportedly called project critics “terrorists” and “losers” in group texts—sparking a recall effort and group chat mutiny.
- The Buc-ee’s beaver mascot is now the most feared political operator in Colorado.
The Beaver Uprising
Residents of Palmer Lake, Colorado are reeling after Mayor Glant Havenar resigned in the midst of the town’s fiercest conflict since the Great Soda Ban of 2008. The cause? A battle over whether to allow a Buc-ee’s convenience store, complete with more gas pumps than local residents, to invade the community’s quiet streets.
What began as a simple zoning question soon escalated into all-out snack warfare. Sides were drawn: “Team Beaver Nugget” versus “Team Local Grocer.” Friendships shattered, and families divided as rumors swirled of outsiders importing illegal brisket sandwiches. It’s not clear whether the town council will ever recover, or if the local Piggly Wiggly can withstand the beaver onslaught.
Text Messages Fuel the Flames
Things reached a boiling point when leaked texts revealed Mayor Havenar privately referred to Buc-ee’s opponents as “terrorists” and “losers.” The scandal ignited a recall effort and forced her to step down, declaring she had “endured enough harassment to fill three gas station bathrooms.” Residents now whisper about which group chat will take down the next official.
Some say the mayor was just “hangry,” but critics claim she fell prey to the insidious influence of beaver-themed merchandise. “One day you’re mayor,” said a council member who wished to remain anonymous, “the next, you’re hoarding beaver keychains and plotting against your own neighbors.”
Snack-Fueled Peace Talks?
Palmer Lake now finds itself at a crossroads. With recall petitions circulating and social media feuds breaking out faster than a Buc-ee’s brisket sandwich disappears at lunchtime, the town faces an uncertain future. There’s talk of peace negotiations at the local Waffle House, where both sides can meet on neutral, syrup-soaked ground.
For now, the only thing uniting Palmer Lake is the universal fear that their next mayor might be a six-foot-tall beaver in a red cap.
