NEED TO KNOW
- A new survey finds self-identified racist white Americans overwhelmingly believe the country is on the right track.
- Respondents cited “less woke stuff,” “more flags,” and “fewer books” as key reasons for their optimism.
- The margin of error is reportedly just enough to let your uncle feel validated at Thanksgiving.
A Patriotic Glow of Delusion
A nationwide survey has confirmed what many already suspected, if you’re a racist white American, things are finally looking up. According to the results, a solid 79% of respondents who believe “diversity is a government hoax” say the country is “definitely heading in the right direction”, thanks to Trump’s MAGA agenda.
Most respondents pointed to recent cultural changes like banning drag queens from libraries while celebrating convicted felons at state fairs. Others noted a general “return to traditional values,” such as yelling “Free speech!” before storming a school board meeting.
The Survey Was Conducted Entirely in Facebook Comment Sections
Lead researcher Dr. Madison Kline explained the methodology: “We simply filtered for people using bald eagle avatars, excessive emojis, and the phrase ‘I’m not racist, but.’ That gave us a statistically rich, if slightly terrifying, data pool.”
Interestingly, when asked about inflation, war, healthcare, or infrastructure, most respondents replied, “Don’t care, gas is under $4 and my pronouns are ‘freedom.’”
History, Revised by People Who Failed It
One anonymous participant declared, “This is exactly how the Founding Fathers wanted it, minus the high-speed internet and sushi.” Another added, “We finally got our country back from… whoever we thought had it.”
Meanwhile, critics of the poll noted that optimism spikes among this group whenever minorities express discomfort, leading researchers to conclude the metric is not economic, but entirely “vibe-based.”
Quote of the Moment
It’s nice to finally live in a country that ignores real problems and focuses on banning the rainbow
Carl from Missouri, 3-time Facebook jail veteran
