NEED TO KNOW
- Beaches from Maine to Florida issued fecal contamination advisories before Labor Day weekend.
- Officials say bacteria could cause nausea, rashes, or “lifelong regret for swallowing even one mouthful.”
- Tourists insist it’s tradition to end summer by ignoring health warnings and pretending the water is fine.
Labor Day Brings the Brown Wave
Labor Day is supposed to be the unofficial end of summer, a time for hot dogs, sandcastles, and debating whether you actually like your coworkers enough to invite them to your barbecue. Instead, beachgoers from Maine to Florida are now deciding if their long weekend should include nausea, rashes, or worse after fecal contamination advisories swept across the East Coast.
Health agencies confirmed that recent storms pushed sewage into swimming zones, raising bacteria levels just high enough to make floating Band-Aids feel like the least of your problems. The Environmental Protection Agency warns 32 out of every 1,000 swimmers could become sick. Statistically, that’s almost your whole friend group who pretended not to see the warning signs posted next to the lifeguard chair.
Vacationers Undeterred
Despite the alerts, families poured onto the sand anyway. Parents claimed the ocean’s natural current would “take care of it,” a phrase historically followed by family members sprinting toward hotel bathrooms. One tourist in Delaware said, “We don’t come here for safety, we come here for tradition. And diarrhea is just part of the experience.”
Vendors along the boardwalk reported a spike in bottled water, hand sanitizer, and T-shirts reading “I Survived PoopFest 2025.” Meanwhile, lifeguards have been instructed to whistle three times for drowning, twice for sharks, and once for “visible floating evidence.”
Officials Blame Old Infrastructure
Experts say outdated sewer systems are responsible, but locals suspect this is just nature’s way of reminding America to close the chapter on summer. “Some people get fireworks. We get bacteria,” said one Massachusetts beachgoer. “Either way, the season goes out with a bang.”
Still, public health officials maintain the water will eventually be safe again. Their advice: if you can smell it before you see it, maybe stick to the sand.
Labor Day was always the end of summer, but this year the ocean decided to sign the guestbook too — in brown ink.
Dr. Carla Flushman, National Wastewater Association
