NEED TO KNOW
- Secretary Kristi Noem claimed habeas corpus is a presidential power to remove people from the country
- Sen. Maggie Hassan had to stop the hearing to explain what it actually means
- The Trump administration is reportedly exploring suspending the constitutional right for detained immigrants
Constitutional Literacy Plummets in Real Time
During a Senate hearing on May 20, Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem offered a bold new take on the centuries-old principle of habeas corpus. Rather than describing it as a right for detainees to challenge unlawful imprisonment, Noem insisted it was “something the president can use to just, you know, get rid of people.”
Eyewitnesses report a deafening silence and one Senate aide audibly whispering, “Oh no.”
Senator Attempts Emergency Civics Lesson
Senator Maggie Hassan (D-NH), visibly concerned and spiritually exhausted, interrupted Noem’s answer with the political equivalent of pulling the emergency brake on a moving train. “That’s incorrect,” Hassan stated. “Habeas corpus isn’t something you toss out like expired yogurt. It’s literally the reason we can’t just vanish people.”
White House Stays Quiet, Probably Googling It
The White House declined to comment on the exchange. Insiders say aides were last seen huddled around a laptop reading the U.S. Courts glossary while Stephen Miller tried to replace the phrase “legal precedent” with “presidential vibes” in a Word document.
Quote of the Moment
“If habeas corpus is up for interpretation, wait till she finds out what ‘checks and balances’ actually means.”
Former AP Government Teacher, now drinking before noon
