NEED TO KNOW
- ICE hits record 80,000 applicants, 94.6% of whom “already own tactical cosplay gear”
- Uniform shortage sparks “BYOS” guidance: Bring Your Own Sheet
- New hires told, “If you see your cousin on the bus, it’s already too late”
In a logistical panic caused by record-breaking recruitment numbers, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has reportedly run out of uniforms, prompting the agency to advise new applicants to “just bring a white sheet with eyeholes or whatever you’ve got in the closet.”
The memo, which began circulating internally after the passage of the Big Beautiful Bill, suggests recruits “get creative” while official tactical gear is backordered. “We’re not picky,” said one field officer. “It just has to say ‘POLICE’ somewhere. Sharpie it on a pillowcase if you need to.”
The administration defended the guidance, noting that Halloween stores are “a perfectly acceptable resource,” and that the agency is focused more on “enthusiasm than aesthetics.” One applicant was turned away only after showing up in a fitted white hood that “raised historical concerns,” according to a senior ICE official.
Recruits are also being asked to provide their own zip ties, Monster Energy, and if possible, a cousin willing to betray their entire extended family for a signing bonus and a shot at a viral TikTok.
President Trump praised the response as “grassroots patriotism at its finest,” adding, “The best people don’t wait for uniforms, they just start rounding.”
A DHS spokesperson later clarified the guidance: “If it looks like a hate crime but sounds like a country song, it’s probably fine.”
