NEED TO KNOW
- Democrats made a last-ditch funding attempt, Republicans made popcorn.
- Schumer says government must stay open “so people can ignore it properly.”
- Shutdown clock ticking louder than Jeffries’ group therapy session.
Same Circus, Fewer Lights
With hours left before the government powers down, House Democrats scrambled to pass a short-term funding bill designed mostly to prove they still remember how to legislate. The proposal included a month-long extension of current spending levels, a sprinkle of policy add-ons, and a faint whiff of desperation.
Republicans rejected the offer faster than an NPR tote bag at a gun show. Instead, they held a brief “pro forma” session that lasted less than a TikTok, gaveled out, and left Democrats shouting “Mr. Speaker” into the void like abandoned Alexa devices. Sparse chants of “shame on you” echoed through the chamber, briefly mistaken for applause.
Fiscal Cliff Notes
Democratic leaders described their proposal as “sensible and humane,” though critics noted it contained the legislative equivalent of a participation trophy: big promises, small print, and no math. Meanwhile, President Donald Trump praised GOP discipline, saying, “Sometimes the best way to fund the government is to not fund it at all. I invented that.”
In the Senate, Chuck Schumer vowed to keep fighting for a bipartisan solution, explaining that “keeping the government open is the only way to keep it failing on schedule.” He later clarified that the plan was “less about function, more about vibes of governance.”
Shutdown or Status Quo?
Analysts warn a midnight shutdown could disrupt essential services, though most Americans admitted they “can’t tell if it’s already off.” Federal agencies prepared contingency plans, which include locking doors, posting “Back in 72-96 Hours” signs, and pretending to telework.
Critics accused both parties of treating fiscal policy like improv comedy: loud, confusing, and mostly made up. Still, lawmakers remained optimistic they’d reach an agreement by the time voters stopped paying attention.
We’ve been running on continuing resolutions since dial-up internet, so honestly, this might count as a reboot Janice Kroll, Congressional Budget Karaoke Club
