NEED TO KNOW
- New research suggests the first Thanksgiving would never have happened if Pilgrims saw your family group chat.
- Historians say Aunt Karen’s future “just asking questions” about vaccines, stuffing, and the WiFi password would have ended the feast on day one.
- Experts agree it took less courage to cross the Atlantic than it takes to sit next to her for three hours.
Modern historians revealed that the Pilgrims would have cancelled the first Thanksgiving on sight if they knew your Aunt Karen would someday attend. According to a new study, the brave souls who crossed the ocean looked tough on the outside, yet still not tough enough for a forty five minute monologue about seed oils.
Researchers said the trouble started when they ran a computer model of your family dinner. The simulation showed normal small talk for six minutes, followed by Aunt Karen announcing that turkeys used to be bigger before “globalist birds” took over. At that moment, the model flagged a ninety eight percent chance of everyone quietly starving instead.
Scholars also reviewed Pilgrim journals. One entry described a dream in which a future relative asked if mashed potatoes contain microplastics. Another page warned descendants never to invite a person who says “I did my own research” before grace. Experts now believe these notes were not metaphors. They were field guides for surviving your aunt.
When Small Talk Becomes A Full Length Sermon
In the recreated scene, Native guests tried to offer calm conversation about harvests and weather. Then Aunt Karen cut in to explain that birds are not real, sugar causes moral decay, and someone should check whether the cranberry sauce is “woke.” Witnesses reported that even the dog lost the will to beg for scraps.
Family therapists said the stress spreads fast. First, your uncle nods along so he does not start a fight. Next, your cousin opens a new group chat titled “Never Again Dinner.” Finally, your mom tries to change the subject by asking about school, which sadly gives Karen a chance to explain how she would run the district herself.
Etiquette coaches recommended several survival tactics. They suggested volunteering to do dishes, offering to take out trash, or pretending to help in the garage until dessert ends. They also advised guests to agree with harmless statements like “these rolls are warm” while ignoring any claims that Benjamin Franklin warned about WiFi.
The Feast That Might Have Been An Email
If the Pilgrims had known all this, historians said they would have chosen a simpler plan. They would have mailed a thank you note to their neighbors, heated a small bowl of corn, and called it a day. Instead, they created a huge shared meal that now traps millions of Americans in open concept kitchens every November.
Still, experts see one bright side. Your aunt unites the table in a way nothing else can. The teenagers, the grandparents, the vegan cousin, and the uncle in the camo hat all share one deep belief. Everyone agrees that next year, you should “keep it small” and maybe “just do pizza.” In that moment, the true spirit of Thanksgiving appears at last.
Some scholars say this is the real lesson of the Holiday. Strangers can become friends, empires can fall, and families can survive even the longest rant about air fryers. They just need enough pie, enough patience, and a polite plan to rotate who sits next to Aunt Karen.
History does not repeat, it forwards the same relative to every generation like a cursed chain email, signed by the Pilgrim who asked for a quiet dinner and got your family instead.
Gravy heals some wounds, group chats remember everything Folly Times Research Council
