NEED TO KNOW
Dean Cain, best known for playing Superman on television and now apparently for pulling a shoulder muscle, officially joined U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement this week. Unfortunately, his first mission didn’t involve deporting anyone. Instead, it involved finding a frozen bag of peas for his arm.
Superman vs. Gravity
The 59-year-old actor insisted he was “ready to defend America” before attempting to adjust a folding chair in ICE’s orientation room. Witnesses say he immediately winced, clutched his shoulder, and asked where the nearest “ICE unit” was located. A supervisor reportedly handed him paperwork for a deportation raid, to which Cain clarified, “No, no, like frozen water. Cubes. Cold.”
A Hero’s Setback
Coworkers noted Cain’s confusion over ICE protocols. “He thought ICE stood for ‘Intense Cold Emergency,’” said one agent. “Honestly, it was the first time we ever heard anyone begging for ice packs during a swearing-in ceremony.” Cain has since been placed on medical leave until his sling comes off, though insiders admit he’s already demanded a cape allowance and kryptonite detection kits for fieldwork.
Critics Respond
Political commentators mocked Cain’s enlistment, with one analyst noting, “He’s fought more battles with gravity than with border crossings.” Still, Cain remains confident. “I might be injured now, but I’ll be back stronger,” he said, before accidentally straining his other arm while lifting a complimentary ICE mug.
This is the first time Superman has been defeated by a chair.
Tim Miller, Border Bureau of Folding Furniture
