NEED TO KNOW
- New data confirms Consumer Spending dropped for the first time since January.
- Experts blame tariffs, Inflation, and the rising cost of thinking about things.
- Home Depot reports 1.3 million men walked in, stared at power tools, and left empty-handed “for the first time ever.”
The Aisles Were Full, But the Wallets Were Shut
In what economists are calling “a quiet panic,” consumer spending dipped in May as men across America wandered into Home Depot for their weekly emotional reset, only to clutch their receipts like trauma blankets — mostly blank. One man reportedly stared at a DeWalt angle grinder for 17 minutes before whispering, “Not today, beast.”
Trump Tariffs Strike Again, But This Time It’s Personal
The Commerce Department confirmed that Americans are now dodging everything from hotel rooms to hot wings thanks to tariffs that slapped a MAGA hat on the economy and screamed “Buy American or suffer!” Car sales nosedived, restaurant tabs shrank, and the national side hustle of ‘weekend DIY-er’ took a sabbatical due to lumber-related PTSD.
Spending Falls, Despair Rises, But At Least There’s Air Conditioning
In-store traffic held strong. Unfortunately, 92% of customers left Home Depot without purchasing a thing. A floor manager reported, “They just stood in the PVC pipe aisle, talking about their dads and rubbing sandpaper like it was a therapy dog.” One man reportedly teared up in front of a Milwaukee 12V combo set. “It reminded him of simpler times,” said a cashier.
America Now Powered by Vibes and Expired Coupons
The only thing rising faster than inflation is the number of YouTube searches for “fix dishwasher without money.” Analysts say this is the first economic cycle where both spending and dignity collapsed at the same time — which they described as “a vibescession.”
Quote of the Moment
I walked in to buy a drill and walked out with a newfound respect for minimalism
Randy, fiscally defeated suburban dad
