Man Refreshes Social Media Feed, Awaits Orders From Charlie Kirk on What to Hate

A Wichita man refreshes social media each morning to learn which trivial product or celebrity is allegedly destroying America. Outrage now runs on a strict publishing schedule set by Charlie Kirk, Benny Johnson, and other right-wing influencers.

Last updated: August 24, 2025 9:31 AM CT

NEED TO KNOW

Local man logs into X daily to find out what today’s “end of America” threat is.
Charlie Kirk, Benny Johnson, and Kevin Sorbo reportedly rotate shifts assigning outrage topics.
Experts compare the process to checking the weather — except with more yelling about drag queens and gas stoves.

The Outrage Forecast

Wichita resident Dan Harkins began his day like any other: by refreshing X to figure out what he should be furious about before finishing his coffee. Today’s orders came in around 7:14 AM, when Turning Point USA’s Charlie Kirk posted a 28-second rant about Taylor Swift using “Marxist lightbulbs” in her concert stage design. By 7:16, Harkins was already pacing his kitchen, muttering about socialism and LEDs.

Angry man braces himself for another exhausting day of being professionally furious at whatever Charlie Kirk just tweeted about lightbulbs, dog leashes, or cereal mascots.

Celebrity Rage Weathercasters

The daily ritual has become second nature. “Yesterday it was gas stoves, the day before it was drag brunches, and now it’s lightbulbs,” said Harkins. “If Charlie doesn’t tell me what to be mad at, I just feel… lost.” Sources say Benny Johnson handles afternoon shifts by uploading memes featuring poorly cropped eagles, while Kevin Sorbo provides evening commentary, usually involving a Bible verse and his neighbor’s recycling bin.

Never a Day Without Fury

Experts note that right-wing outrage now operates like a subscription service, guaranteeing fresh content every morning. “It’s basically HelloFresh, but instead of meal kits, you get reheated culture wars,” said one political analyst. Meanwhile, country star John Rich reportedly confirmed tomorrow’s outrage will involve an emergency alert test, warning followers it’s “basically FEMA trying to reboot your soul.”

This cycle has been so effective that one survey found 62% of conservatives check their outrage feed before brushing their teeth. “Dental hygiene can wait,” Harkins admitted, “but my anger about Target selling rainbow dog leashes cannot.”