NEED TO KNOW
- Bolton’s home raided for “classified karaoke binders” and possibly outdated mustache wax.
- Trump wanders into a DC museum, mistakes coat check for FBI sting operation.
- Officials warn more raids could hit libraries, zoos, or the Air & Space Museum next.
WASHINGTON — The United States officially entered “Raid Season” this week, as FBI agents stormed the home of former national security adviser John Bolton while President Donald Trump staged his own counter-raid against a museum gift shop he called a “deep state trap.”
Bolton’s Karaoke Binder
Agents carried out boxes marked “Bolton: The Room Where It Definitely Happened” along with a karaoke binder featuring the complete works of Michael Bolton. One FBI agent admitted, “We’ve heard classified leaks, but nothing could prepare us for ‘How Am I Supposed to Live Without You’ belted at full volume.” Bolton denied wrongdoing, telling reporters, “The only classified item in my house was a half-eaten Egg McMuffin.”
Trump vs. Museums
While Bolton dealt with agents, Trump insisted his museum stop was part of national security. “I saw a suspicious painting. Very suspicious. Probably leaking more than Bolton. The brushstrokes were hiding secrets about me, Russia, maybe even Melania,” Trump said, before demanding FBI escorts to the café and gift shop. Witnesses said he loudly accused snow globes of being “surveillance devices.”
Next Up: Pandas
Officials warned raids could spread. The Bureau has considered searching the National Zoo after reports of a panda “hoarding bamboo schematics.” Trump also suggested the Air & Space Museum covered up proof that the Wright brothers were “deep state operatives from Ohio.” Lawyers debated whether the FBI went too far, but most agreed America is now locked into a season of raids. Or as Trump explained: “Everyone’s getting raided. Bolton, museums, pandas, maybe even Michael Bolton. Nobody’s safe except me.”
If they raid the Air & Space Museum, I’ll personally make sure the Wright Flyer gets indicted too
Dan Bongino, Deputy FBI Director
