NEED TO KNOW
- Trump ally nicknamed ‘Big Balls’ allegedly assaulted while stopping a DC carjacking.
- Three days later, Trump took over the DC police, citing the attack as proof of “total chaos.”
- Online sleuths say the timing “smells more scripted than a WWE pay-per-view.”
Edward Coristine, a 19-year-old Trump administration staffer known as “Big Balls,” is recovering after what police called an attempted carjacking in Washington. According to the official story, Coristine stepped in to protect a woman, was beaten, and walked away with a concussion and a new origin tale. The dramatic photo of him shirtless and bloodied appeared on Trump’s social media within hours, complete with a demand to change juvenile crime laws.
Three days later, Trump announced a federal takeover of the DC police. The stated reason was to “restore law and order” in the capital. However, conspiracy theorists online immediately connected the dots. They point to the attack’s Hollywood timing, the rapid photo release, and the fact that the blood pattern on Coristine’s pants “looks like a special effects intern’s lunch break project.”
Elon Musk, who once headed the DOGE initiative, described the incident as “a heroic defense of a woman under siege.” Critics say his version sounds like a Marvel screenplay pitch. Some residents are questioning how a dozen attackers vanished without a single security camera catching a clear shot — in one of the most surveilled cities in America. “If this was real, the NSA would already be selling the Blu-ray,” one Twitter user posted.
The White House has not addressed the staging rumors. Coristine has also declined further comment, fueling more speculation. Meanwhile, federal control of the DC police remains in place, and billboards now feature a grinning Trump in aviators above the words “Capital Security Starts Here.”
Quote of the moment
If it was staged, at least they nailed the lighting
Darren Wilcox, Amateur Conspiracy Filmmakers Association
