NEED TO KNOW
- Scholars confirm the Bible contains zero mentions of Minneapolis, even in the fine print.
- Some theologians suggest God simply preferred cities with functioning public transit.
- Residents say they feel spiritually excluded, although they admit St. Paul is probably the holier sibling.
Theologians across the country expressed confusion this week after a new linguistic survey confirmed that the Holy Bible references Saint Paul repeatedly, yet never once acknowledges Minneapolis. Researchers said the discovery raises important questions about divine cartography as well as the spiritual reputation of Minnesota’s flashier twin.
Experts who study ancient texts said they expected at least one passing mention. They said the writers of Scripture seemed aware of several cities far less important than Minneapolis. Some scholars pointed out that Nineveh made the cut despite having fewer breweries and zero skyways.
Scholars Seek Answers
Many specialists believe the omission reflects an ancient preference for calm towns where prophets could think clearly. They said Minneapolis might have been viewed as distracting during biblical times. Others argued that God tended to highlight cities with strong moral branding, and Saint Paul naturally benefited from the halo effect of sharing a name with the Apostle.
The mayor of Saint Paul did not comment. However, city staff posted a celebratory graphic reading Chosen City on social media within minutes of the announcement. Minneapolis officials responded with a firm statement that described the findings as disappointing, although they made sure to mention the city’s parks system three separate times.
Residents weighed in as well. Some claimed that the Bible’s silence proves little. They said Minneapolis must have existed in spirit since every major narrative needs a metro area with better nightlife. Others said they feel spiritually ignored. Furthermore, a local pastor pointed out that several biblical miracles could have happened more efficiently in Minneapolis due to the bike lanes.
Faith and Geography Collide
Religious leaders said the revelation will spark debate. They said churches may soon need to address why Saint Paul receives divine shoutouts while Minneapolis gets treated like a bonus chapter that never made the final cut. Yet many leaders suggested that this gap in Scripture might strengthen faith as believers now have a reason to attend Sunday school with new curiosity.
Even so, the lack of acknowledgment surprised many residents. They said Minneapolis has always played a key role in regional life. They also said their city deserved at least a small verse noting its lakes, restaurants, and consistent ability to overshadow Saint Paul during summer events. Still, experts said the debate will continue until someone uncovers a scroll that includes a casual mention of the Stone Arch Bridge.
This feels like a classic case of divine favoritism, and honestly, Saint Paul knew what it was doing.
J. Lint, Upper Midwest Biblical Geography Society
