NEED TO KNOW
- Moody’s downgraded U.S. debt from AAA to Aa1, leaving America with no top-tier credit ratings
- The decision reflects rising debt, ballooning interest payments, and decades of bipartisan fiscal irresponsibility
- Officials responded by shrugging and printing commemorative “Still Number One Spiritually” T-shirts
Credit Rating Drops, Optimism Somehow Persists
NEW YORK — Moody’s, the last of the major credit rating agencies still holding out hope, finally downgraded the United States’ credit rating from AAA to Aa1. The move marks the end of America’s decades-long run as a “gold standard” borrower.
In its announcement, Moody’s cited the obvious: rising deficits, climbing interest payments, and a Congress that treats fiscal policy like a group project no one remembered was due.
Officials Say It’s Fine, Probably
Despite the downgrade, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen said markets remain confident. “Sure, our credit is slipping. But we’re America. We’ve got legacy. We’ve got branding. We still have Hamilton.”
Analysts say that while the downgrade could slightly raise borrowing costs, it also makes the U.S. seem more relatable to average Americans, most of whom also have mid-tier credit scores and a vague plan to fix it next year.
Congressional Response: “Wait, We Got Rated?”
Leaders from both parties expressed concern, confusion, and then went back to arguing about who forgot to pay the national balance transfer card. Speaker Mike Johnson blamed “decades of reckless overspending by everyone but us.” Democrats pointed to “Republican tax cuts and vibes-based economics.”
Both sides agreed not to actually fix anything until the next debt ceiling crisis — or until someone remembers the login to the Treasury.gov dashboard.
Patriotism Still Graded AAA+
In the face of fiscal erosion, Trump supporters remained unfazed. One posted, “Still #Winning. Credit scores are woke.” Another tweeted, “We downgraded ourselves so China doesn’t get the satisfaction.”
At press time, several Americans were seen Googling “What does a credit rating do?” while the Fed quietly brewed stronger coffee.
