NEED TO KNOW
- Microsoft’s AI exposure list starts with “Microsoft researcher,” triggering dozens of nervous LinkedIn updates
- Translators, historians, and political scientists also told to start “learning plumbing”
- Bridge operators remain safest, unless ChatGPT learns how to work a drawbridge
Microsoft has released a list of the top 40 jobs most threatened by AI—including their own researchers in the number one spot.
The report, meant to highlight “AI applicability,” instead ignited a firestorm of existential dread as it confirmed what many already feared: if your job involves typing, talking, or thinking, it’s time to buy steel-toed boots.
“We just wanted to show how helpful AI can be,” said Kiran Tomlinson, a senior Microsoft researcher who was last seen updating his résumé and Googling “how to become a locksmith.”
Meanwhile, professionals in high-exposure careers such as journalism, customer service, and library science were reportedly spotted hovering near industrial machinery in an effort to appear less replaceable.
“My job requires nuance, creativity, and complex analysis,” said one historian, “which is why I’m now applying at Home Depot.”
Microsoft clarified that “high applicability” doesn’t necessarily mean replacement is imminent, though it did recommend employees start “collaborating with their future robot coworkers sooner than later.”
Quote of the moment
At this point I’d rather get replaced by AI than have to keep pretending my calendar invites matter
Donna Clive, mid-level analyst
