NEED TO KNOW
- Elon Musk denied a report that he extensively used ketamine, mushrooms, and ecstasy during 2024.
- He blamed his black eye on a punch from his son, not a bender or interdimensional portal.
- Trump praised Musk’s “fantastic” performance while ignoring questions about his alleged pill box travel companion.
Musk Declares Himself Drug-Free, Except That One Time
Elon Musk took to X on Saturday to clarify he is “like totally NOT taking drugs,” after a New York Times report alleged a buffet of recreational substance use during his 2024 campaign appearances. Musk admitted he once tried prescription ketamine for mental health reasons but insisted he hasn’t touched the stuff since, adding that the Times was “lying their ass off.”
Black Eye, Clear Lies, Can’t Lose
The denial came just hours after Musk appeared at a DOGE farewell ceremony alongside President Trump, sporting a suspicious black eye and wearing what some described as “the energy of a raccoon who just stole a Tesla.” When asked about the injury, Musk blamed his five-year-old son, claiming the child punched him during a game. “Turns out even a five-year-old punching you in the face actually is…” Musk trailed off, possibly forgetting the end of his sentence or momentarily entering another timeline.
Trump Supports Musk, Cites Vibes and Discounts on Rockets
Reporters pressed Trump about Musk’s alleged drug use. Trump responded with a glowing review: “I think Elon is a fantastic guy,” and then pivoted to a monologue about the discounts he’s getting on Space Force rockets. Trump’s only complaint? “He still won’t rename Mars after me, but we’re working on it.”
Expert Analysis: Signs of Ketamine or Just Elon Being Elon?
Though Musk denied current usage, the New York Times cited sources claiming he traveled with a pill box and may have micro-dosed his way through the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) meetings. One insider noted, “It’s hard to tell if he was high, or just brainstorming again. The line is razor thin.”
Ketamine: The Official Sponsor of Government Disruption?
Critics argue that the overlap of erratic behavior, radical government downsizing, and Nazi salutes should at least raise eyebrows. Musk responded by tweeting a meme of a unicorn vomiting rainbow bitcoin onto a civil servant, captioned, “Efficiency is beautiful.”
QUOTE OF THE MOMENT
Musk says he’s clean, but the Mars rover just found a rolled-up hundred-dollar bill and sunglasses in a lava tube
Anonymous NASA intern
