NEED TO KNOW
- After a 4-0 home loss to Switzerland, the U.S. men’s national soccer team is considering “alternative participation” in the 2026 World Cup they’re hosting.
- Coach Mauricio Pochettino said his players are “emotionally available” and might attend “as guests or volunteers.”
- FIFA has not yet responded to the U.S. request to “not actually play any games.”
America’s Other National Pastime: Losing Gracefully
With just a year until the 2026 World Cup, the U.S. Men’s National Team (USMNT) has bravely asked FIFA if they can still host the tournament without participating. The request came shortly after a historic 4-0 home loss to Switzerland that saw zero shots on target and hundreds of fans Googling “how to change nationality.”
“We love the game, but we just don’t see ourselves… in it,” said head coach Mauricio Pochettino, who reportedly submitted the request in cursive on a napkin from the Nashville stadium concessions stand. “We’ll still show up. Just, you know, in spirit. Maybe hand out towels or direct parking.”
Red Card, White Flag, Blue Faces
Analysts originally dubbed this USMNT the “golden generation,” but now critics are calling them “the return policy.” Their past four matches featured a conga line of losses to Panama, Canada, Türkiye, and Switzerland, culminating in Tuesday’s display of tactical indifference and emotional confusion.
“It’s like watching your child’s school play if the entire cast quit halfway and one kid just stood there eating glue,” said one former fan in the stands, moments before chanting “Bring Back Bob Bradley.”
Tryouts or Try Nots?
Instead of refining a winning strategy, Pochettino has been trying out players he found “vibing well” at MLS tailgates. Quinn Sullivan and Nathan Harriel, both uncapped, were brought in as motivational examples of what not to do. Even Diego Luna, the one bright spot, now lists his job title on LinkedIn as “Survivor.”
“This isn’t a rebuild,” one USSF insider confessed, “it’s a controlled demolition.”
America’s Boldest Tactical Pivot Yet
In a follow-up statement, USMNT leadership clarified that skipping the tournament could “create space for the youth to heal and the sponsors to breathe.” They also floated an idea to replace their group-stage games with live improv comedy, starring ex-players and Landon Donovan’s dad.
“You can’t lose if you don’t play,” said Pochettino, quoting either Sun Tzu or a Cincinnati youth coach.
Quote of the moment
The only thing the U.S. can advance to right now is their hotel checkout
