NEED TO KNOW
- Trump says his golf score is a matter of national security, then declassifies it by yelling “69!”
- White House Instagram flooded with skepticism, including one comment reading, “You wrote this in Sharpie.”
- Trump claims Bedminster tournament was “more legitimate than the Georgia election.”
Standing next to a handwritten scoreboard that somehow ranked him above multiple senior citizens who can actually walk 18 holes, President Donald Trump announced that his tournament victory had been “instantly declassified by mouth.”
“The deep state tried to say I shot a 93,” Trump told onlookers. “But I shot a perfect 69. Everyone saw it. Even Jesus. It was on Easter.”
Critics noted that his “official” scorecard appeared to be printed on a Chili’s kids’ menu with names hastily whited out. In response, Trump threatened to bomb the PGA and suggested Jack Nicklaus once cried watching him chip.
“He plays a higher-level golf,” said former HUD secretary and part-time caddie Ben Carson. “It’s metaphysical. He doesn’t even need to swing.”
When asked why the White House posted the score to Instagram, Trump shrugged. “We’re at war with windmills, and people need to see I’m winning somewhere.”
