Tom Brady Says He’ll Keep Cloning Himself Until One Finally Beats Eli Manning

Tom Brady insists modern science will do what the Patriots couldn’t: erase Eli Manning from football history. Labs call his ambition “medically impressive, spiritually unwell.”

Last updated: Wed, November 5, 2025 7:18 AM CT

By The Folly Times

4 Min Read

NEED TO KNOW

Tom Brady invests in cloning technology to avenge Super Bowl losses
Labs report “dozens of viable Bradys,” none yet capable of beating Eli Manning
Scientists say one clone shows “promising pocket awareness, crippling insecurity”

FOXBORO, MA — In a development that has sports scientists shaking their heads and Eli Manning smiling smugly, Tom Brady announced Tuesday that he’s been funding human cloning research to “finally balance the record.”

“I don’t believe in retirement, I believe in replication,” Brady told reporters from a Colossal Biosciences lab, standing beside a row of test tubes labeled “TB-12.2.” He claimed that after years of meditation and kale, cloning was “the logical next step in recovery.”

The Science of Vengeance

Brady’s biotech investment reportedly began after his third post-retirement boredom cycle. “The first clone tore its ACL jogging through the tunnel,” said one researcher, noting that several other clones were lost to confusion during film study. “They all insist they won those Super Bowls. It’s genetic.”

According to the company, the latest Brady prototype, dubbed “TB-12X,” has achieved near-human perfection. “His jawline’s stable, his arm velocity’s solid, but we can’t fix the deep psychological fear of Giants pass rushers,” explained Dr. Marcus Allen, lead biologist on the project. “Every time he sees blue and red, his cortisol spikes to 2006 levels.”

Manning Responds

Eli Manning, reached for comment at a golf course, said he wasn’t worried. “I’ve already beaten him twice. What’s a few more versions?” he said. “I just hope one of them finally learns how to shake my hand without crying.”

Brady remains confident, however, predicting that within a few years, at least one clone will “complete the mission.” He reportedly plans to enter the next Super Bowl with up to six active Bradys, each prepped with different electrolyte ratios and trauma counseling.

“People call me obsessed,” Brady said, smiling through a wall of cloning tanks. “But science isn’t about ego, it’s about proving Eli Manning shouldn’t exist.”