NEED TO KNOW
- Coaches claim preseason helps evaluate talent, but spend most of it ranking who can snap a ball backwards the prettiest.
- Fans are already ordering parade permits for players they’ll forget exist by Week 2.
- Entire depth chart decisions rumored to hinge on who brings the best snacks to special teams meetings.
As the NFL preseason kicked off, coaches across the league assured fans they were making critical evaluations that would define their season. Insiders, however, confirmed the real focus was on the high-stakes world of long snapper aesthetics. “We want clean spirals, tight rotation, and a certain… flair,” said one AFC coach, holding a clipboard full of doodled stick figures bending over footballs.
While rookies fought for roster spots, the stands were full of fans losing their minds over third-string receivers catching garbage-time touchdowns against insurance adjusters in pads. In Chicago, one fan reportedly began planning a full championship parade after an undrafted rookie caught a sideline pass and immediately ran out of bounds to avoid contact.
Meanwhile, coaches quietly shuffled quarterbacks like cards at a poker table, ensuring no one saw their real tells before September. In Minnesota, the long snapper room got the loudest applause of the night after a flawless pre-kick squatting display. “You can’t teach that kind of form,” whispered a scout, tearing up.
Honestly, no one’s sure who’s winning these games — but everyone agrees the long snapper depth chart has never looked stronger.
Quote of the moment
I don’t even watch football, but that guy snapped my heart right into the end zone
Dr. Melinda Harp, self-described long snapper enthusiast
