NEW YORK — In an unprecedented move, the NFL announced today that the upcoming Bears-Broncos game, originally set for primetime on Monday night, will now be relegated to a Wednesday afternoon slot at 2:15 pm. NFL executives insist this is to “ensure the game wraps up by the time most fans return home from work, sparing them the ordeal of watching.”
“We believe in maximizing viewer pleasure,” said NFL spokesman Barry Winkler, “and after careful consideration, we determined that by the time the average fan returns home, this snooze-fest will be in the books.”
Both the Chicago Bears and Denver Broncos, who have seen better seasons, collectively responded with a resounding, “Eh, fair enough.”
“This time slot makes perfect sense,” said John Thompson, a long-time Broncos fan. “By the time I’m back from work, I can jump straight into watching something more thrilling, like C-SPAN or paint drying.”
Sports bars around the country are gearing up for the awkward time slot by offering “Midday Mediocrity Deals.” Said bartender Stacy Horowitz of Chicago’s popular “4th Down Bar & Grill”: “We’re offering half-off appetizers and specially-priced ‘Meh’garitas. We expect a packed house of about three regulars.”
However, not everyone is thrilled with the change. Chicago’s Gerald Montague voiced his complaints: “I specifically scheduled a dental appointment to have a root canal during that time to avoid the game. Now what am I going to do?”
The NFL, ever focused on fan engagement, will be giving away special edition pillows, aptly branded “For Games You Can Sleep Through,” to the first 100 attendees at the stadium.
ESPN, set to broadcast the game, has already tailored their programming with a “pre-game nap” segment, followed by live coverage of local bird migrations during halftime. “We just want to give the viewers what they truly deserve,” said ESPN producer Tina Valdez.
Both teams are set to take the field next Wednesday, ready to battle it out and prove that they… exist
