NEED TO KNOW
- Cutler sentenced to four days in jail after DUI plea deal in Tennessee
- Judge adds bonus requirement: learning how to appear emotionally invested
- Chicago Bears fans shocked anyone still expects him to show effort
From Playbooks to Plea Deals
Former NFL quarterback Jay Cutler has been sentenced to four days in jail for a DUI in Tennessee, but the court added an extra twist: a mandatory class titled “How to Look Like You Care.” The class aims to teach Cutler the art of displaying interest, a skill he failed to master across 12 seasons in the NFL.
Cutler, who famously perfected the vacant stare on the sidelines, allegedly offered another driver $2,000 to ignore the incident after rear-ending them. Prosecutors say his real crime wasn’t the bribe, but delivering it with the same enthusiasm he once used to throw interceptions.
Fans React With Predictable Shrugs
Chicago Bears fans, long accustomed to Cutler’s lethargic body language, greeted the news with a collective “sounds about right.” One lifelong fan noted that four days in jail was “still less painful than watching him throw into triple coverage.”
Even Cutler’s lawyer admitted the hardest part of the plea deal might be convincing his client to sit through a safety course without slouching back in his chair. According to sources, the court has arranged for a motivational coach to stand behind him during class, sighing loudly until he nods at least once.
Cutler’s Next Chapter
Beyond the jail time, Cutler will pay a $350 fine, serve a year of probation, and forfeit a pistol found in his truck. Legal experts say the fine is roughly equal to the amount he once spent on sideline nachos during games.
When asked for comment outside the courthouse, Cutler shrugged and muttered something about how jail “sounds like four days without having to watch the Bears’ offensive line.”
If Jay Cutler can survive four days in jail, perhaps he can finally survive looking mildly enthusiastic for once
Dale Fennigan, Institute for Quarterback Body Language Studies
