NEED TO KNOW
- Office newbie drafts team by picking “names that sound cute.”
- Experts’ strategies collapse after overanalyzing tight ends.
- League commissioner now considering banning autodraft out of spite.
In yet another devastating blow to fantasy football purists everywhere, Kevin from accounting, a man who once asked if the Super Bowl was “baseball or basketball,” has once again drafted the perfect fantasy roster without trying. Colleagues report he only participated because “everyone else was doing it.”
The accidental dynasty
While diehard fans in the office spent weeks crafting spreadsheets, listening to podcasts, and studying depth charts, Kevin simply clicked “autodraft” before wandering off to microwave leftover lasagna. By the time he returned, his roster had assembled itself into what analysts are calling “a digital version of the 1994 Dream Team.”
Chaos in the league
Meanwhile, coworkers who take fantasy football far too seriously are already spiraling. Derek from sales has spent $70 on an AI-powered draft simulator, only to end up with three backup kickers. “It’s like the gods of ESPN just want me to suffer,” he muttered, clutching a Monster Energy drink at 9 a.m.
Why it always happens
Experts claim this phenomenon occurs every season: the one person who doesn’t care always wins. “There’s a statistical inevitability to it,” said Dr. Chad Norwood of the Institute for Completely Fake Sports Analytics. “The less you know, the stronger your lineup will become. It’s Newton’s Fourth Law.”
Despite Kevin admitting he “might not even check the app again until December,” oddsmakers have him as the overwhelming favorite to win the league.
I picked Patrick Mahomes because he looked nice. Everyone seemed mad, but he seemed nice.
Kevin Bean, accounting department
