NEED TO KNOW
- ESPN unveils ultra-premium package for fans desperate to suffer alone
- Includes exclusive camera angles of your team blowing fourth-quarter leads
- Bundle comes with therapy discounts and unlimited “fire the coach” emojis
In a landmark merger that unites two empires built on emotional damage, ESPN has announced a new $89.99 per month streaming tier that allows fans to exclusively watch their favorite team lose — without distractions like hope or other franchises succeeding.
Dubbed “Solo Shame,” the package guarantees blackout-free, ad-enhanced access to all your team’s faceplants in glorious 4K. The tier also removes other teams from ESPN’s interface entirely, including standings, playoff hopes, and anything resembling joy.
“It’s perfect for Jets fans, Browns fans, Cowboys fans who still think it’s 1996 — anyone living in a delusional feedback loop,” said ESPN’s Chief Monetization Officer, who was last seen injecting Disney stock into his veins with a turkey baster.
As part of the new offering, ESPN has partnered with the NFL to embed real-time commentary from local Facebook uncles. Viewers can also toggle between feeds like “Drunk Cousin Mode,” “Overconfident Midseason Spike Cam,” and “Live Fan Reaction: 14 Seconds Left, Up by 2.”
Disney CEO Bob Iger called the deal “the next step in turning personal trauma into quarterly growth.”
The package will also be available in Spanish, French, and Bengals.
Quote of the moment
I pay for it because I deserve it, like penance with better resolution
Carl Dufresne, lifelong Bears subscriber since 1985
