NEED TO KNOW
- Cowboys ship Micah Parsons to Packers, fans drown in queso dip tears
- Green Bay celebrates by pricing cheese curds like fine jewelry
- Cowboys unveil new defense: praying opponents trip before the end zone
Dallas Fans Left in Shock
The Dallas Cowboys stunned the NFL world by trading star edge rusher Micah Parsons to the Green Bay Packers for Kenny Clark and two first-round picks. Cowboys fans immediately rushed to message boards, hotlines, and margarita machines to express their outrage. Jerry Jones defended the move by claiming draft picks were “cheaper than therapy and less likely to yell at me during Botox appointments.”
Green Bay Smells Blood (and Bratwurst)
Parsons signed a four-year, $188 million deal within hours of arriving in Wisconsin, making him the highest-paid non-quarterback in league history. Packers fans greeted him by presenting a ceremonial cheese wedge helmet and an open invitation to the local Kwik Trip. “He’s not just a pass rusher,” one fan explained. “He’s a beer-chugging dream we never knew we deserved.”
Cowboys Reveal Bold New Plan
Without Parsons, Dallas announced a fresh defensive philosophy: “Just Hoping for Turnovers.” The strategy involves defenders standing 10 yards away from opponents, sighing loudly, and staring at the ball until someone accidentally fumbles. Defensive coordinator Dan Quinn insisted this was “a progressive approach that combines vibes, astrology, and the occasional lucky bounce.”
Packers Get Meaner, Cowboys Get Weirder
The move positions Green Bay as serious NFC contenders. Meanwhile, Dallas is set to spend the season explaining to angry fans why hope is technically a defensive scheme. Jones promised that “America’s Team” would still deliver wins, though he later clarified he meant “wins for his plastic surgeon’s retirement fund.”
Our new defensive scheme is simple: wait, pray, and hope their running back forgets how hands work
Sad Man, Cowboys Defensive Coordinator
