NEED TO KNOW
- Billups claims he’s innocent and cursed, citing “statistically impossible bad luck.”
- Rozier’s arrest reportedly interrupted his morning parlay on “getting through breakfast.”
- FBI operation allegedly named “Full Court Pressed.”
Basketball Meets Blackjack
Portland Trail Blazers coach Chauncey Billups denied any involvement in the nationwide gambling scandal Thursday, telling reporters he “barely wins at Uno” and once lost a coin flip to an ATM. The coach, arrested alongside Miami Heat guard Terry Rozier, called the accusations “a clear misunderstanding and a slightly above-average Netflix pitch.”
Federal officials say the two were part of overlapping investigations into illegal betting schemes. Rozier was taken into custody in Orlando after reportedly “hitting the under” on breakfast. Billups was detained in Oregon, where agents discovered poker tables, marked cards, and several motivational posters that read *Every Hand Is Winnable, Until It Isn’t.*
‘I Can’t Even Shuffle Right,’ Says Billups
“You think I could rig a game? I lose to my kids in Go Fish,” Billups said outside the courthouse. “I once tried to play online poker and the website banned me for poor performance.” His attorney confirmed Billups would plead “double or nothing.”
Sources close to the investigation say the FBI operation, dubbed *Full Court Pressed,* spanned eleven states and at least one Applebee’s trivia night. Agents allege Billups’ poker operation was connected to a Mafia-run game in Reno where “house advantage” was replaced with “coaching advantage.”
Rozier’s Prop Bet Problem
Meanwhile, Rozier’s case stems from suspicious betting activity surrounding his 2023 Hornets games. Investigators noticed sudden spikes in “unders” placed minutes before Rozier developed what medical staff called a “foot injury of convenience.” He allegedly used insider data and an injury report labeled “soon.”
League officials have since paused all player prop bets involving “guys who tweet cryptic Bible verses before tipoff.” Adam Silver promised tighter rules, adding, “We’ll still partner with casinos. We just won’t say it out loud anymore.”
Odds of Redemption
Legal experts predict Billups will likely avoid serious jail time but could face suspension from coaching, Uno, and possibly charades. “He’ll be fine,” one FBI agent said. “His hand’s just cold right now.”
Billups, smiling as reporters shouted questions, offered a final comment: “Look, I can’t win at Uno, Monopoly, or marriage counseling. The only thing I gamble on is hope—and occasionally the over on humility.”
Justice isn’t blind, it just took the over.
Special Agent Dale Rupp, Federal Bureau of Investigation
