NEED TO KNOW
- Wallace’s win reportedly triggered 78 cases of “Patriotic Confusion Syndrome” in the grandstands
- One man allegedly yelled “Hell yeah!” before realizing who he was cheering for and punching himself in the face
- Chumbawamba royalties expected to spike after crowd misreads “CHUMBA CASINO” as protest slogan
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Bubba Wallace made history Sunday by winning the Brickyard 400, becoming the first Black driver to do so and setting off what experts are calling “a white identity thunderstorm on wheels.”
Spectators were reportedly torn between their sacred devotion to left turns and their sacred devotion to racial discomfort. Some resorted to nervous clapping while staring down at their “Don’t Tread on Me” cooler. Others claimed the car was too aerodynamic to be American.
“My uncle’s face did this twitchy thing for like twenty minutes,” said one attendee. “He couldn’t figure out if this was progress or the rapture.”
Wallace crossed the finish line ahead of Kyle Larson, but several fans insisted it “didn’t count” due to “weather manipulation” and “George Soros pit strategy.”
The broadcast cut away from the celebration and aired a rerun of Smokey and the Bandit in protest. Meanwhile, NASCAR issued a statement congratulating Wallace, then immediately retracted it for “further vetting.”
Despite the backlash, Wallace celebrated with his team, kissed the bricks, and reportedly shouted “This one’s for every kid who got side-eyed at a Bass Pro Shop.”
We’ve got internal combustion, cognitive dissonance, and a checkered flag soaked in generational trauma. America, baby.
Quote of the moment
My jaw clenched so hard I bit through a Busch Light can. I mean Bubba sounded liked a white dude’s name!
Bryce Tipton, Guy Who Thinks MLK Drove for Ford
