Court Clarifies Alabama Is Now Allowed Two Losses Per Game, Still Eligible for Playoff Spot

Chaos erupted across the sports world on Tuesday after the Supreme Court issued a fresh ruling that declared Alabama football can now record two losses per game while remaining fully eligible for a College Football Playoff spot. The decision expanded the Court’s earlier mandate that Alabama must always be ranked in the top ten, which many fans already viewed as a legal form of SEC favoritism.

Justice Alito wrote that Alabama’s legacy deserves protections usually reserved for civil liberties. He argued that “traditional powers must remain intact,” citing several decades of national titles and several thousand hours of ESPN hype reels. He also emphasized that allowing two losses per game is a “fair compromise that preserves national morale.”

Justices Cite “Historic Precedent” and Tailgate Authority

The ruling referenced several unusual arguments. The majority cited the “field goal that hit the upright in 1985,” the “sacred nature of Bryant Denny Stadium,” and a series of photographs submitted by Alabama’s attorneys that depicted large grills surrounded by families wearing matching shirts. Justice Gorsuch even asked if the Court could consider the smell of smoked ribs as a legal factor.

Notre Dame’s counsel attempted to object, but Chief Justice Roberts cut the argument short and said the Irish “would be fine at number fourteen.” Meanwhile, Justice Thomas held up a laminated chart titled “Reasons Alabama Must Be Good,” which included short phrases like tradition, money, and better TV numbers.

Justice Barrett offered a concurring opinion that claimed America must protect the nation’s “football heritage economy.” She wrote that fans need familiar teams to maintain emotional stability in stressful times. She also added that a two loss allowance “seems generous.”

Dissenters Warn Decision Will Break the Sport

Justice Kagan called the ruling an “unchecked disaster.” She argued that the Court had no authority to decide playoff standards. Justice Sotomayor compared the majority’s reasoning to “a message board argument typed by people who think screaming louder is a legal strategy.” She even asked if the Court planned to pick quarterbacks next.

Analysts expect the ruling to encourage Georgia to file a claim for guaranteed number two seeding. Observers also predict chaos if Tennessee demands its own exemptions. College football experts say the sport may enter a new era where scores matter less than court transcripts.

Alabama fans celebrated outside the Court by chanting roll tide while waving flags in front of confused tourists. Some brought signs thanking the Founders for “inventing football freedom.”

Alabama could lose twice per game and still finish ranked higher than your team halfway through warmups Trent Hatfield, College Football Constitutional Scholar