NEED TO KNOW
- Global scientists reaffirmed Earth’s roundness using satellite data, gravitational modeling, and basic eyesight.
- A large number of Americans responded by launching weather balloons and YouTube videos instead of reading.
- The Flat Earth Society has updated its website but not its worldview since 1998.
The Earth: Still Round, Despite America’s Best Efforts
In a groundbreaking study that absolutely no one asked for, international scientists have once again confirmed that Earth is not flat. Using advanced tools such as orbital physics, satellite telemetry, and standing outside, the team concluded the planet remains, stubbornly, a sphere.
“We ran the data through dozens of simulations,” said Dr. Anika Delgado of CERN, “and even when we tried to flatten it in Photoshop, it still came back round. We really tried.”
The announcement was met with polite applause from the global scientific community, a shrug from most of the world, and full-blown outrage from several U.S.-based Facebook groups with usernames like “NASA = Lies” and “Circle Jerk of the Cosmos.”
Flat Earthers React: “We Want a Third Opinion, Preferably from a Guy Named Chad”
The Flat Earth movement, fueled largely by distrust of government and an unhealthy relationship with Google Image Search, released a statement from their desert RV compound. It read: “Nice try, Science. We know you work for Big Globe.”
Within hours of the announcement, #FlatTruth trended on X. Influencers filmed themselves launching “truth balloons” containing GoPros, inspirational music, and no actual scientific method. The footage mostly showed the curve of the Earth, which was quickly labeled “lens distortion” by those who uploaded it.
“This is classic round Earth propaganda,” said Todd “T-Man” McCovey, a flat earth theorist and self-proclaimed “DIY astrophysicist.” He claims he once flew from Florida to Japan without turning left and insists the moon is a hoax filmed in Arizona.
NASA: Tired, So Very Tired
NASA, when reached for comment, simply sighed and sent over a photo of Earth taken from space with the caption: “Still round.”
A spokesperson added, “We’ve been dealing with this since the 1960s. Please tell them to stop emailing us. One guy just mailed us a frisbee with ‘prove it’ written on it in Sharpie.”
Meanwhile, international agencies have shifted focus back to actual space exploration. China is planning a new moon base. India is probing deep space. America just dropped another $700,000 on a YouTube doc called “Is Antarctica the Edge of the Pizza?”
Quote of the Moment
If Earth is flat, why are the other planets round? Asking for a solar system
Dr. Anika Delgado, whose patience is hanging by a gravitational thread
