NEED TO KNOW
- NASA’s top climate lab, GISS, will soon be replaced by a “virtual institute” and a group chat titled “Earth Stuff.”
- Scientists are out of their lab and into the wild world of remote work, where nobody can hear them scream about Excel errors.
- NASA assures everyone the “future is bright,” mostly due to a dramatic increase in wildfires and greenhouse gases.
Welcome to the Virtual Institute of Shrugging
NASA’s legendary Goddard Institute for Space Studies—aka the team that told the world climate change is real—just learned their new office is basically a Google Drive folder and a conference call. Following the latest Trump budget, GISS will be “integrated” into a virtual modeling group, with core functions merged into a top-secret Slack channel. Even the lab’s 60-year-old coffee maker was denied access.
Morale? It’s on Mars
“Morale at GISS has never been lower,” admitted one scientist, who spoke on the condition of anonymity and the hope of not being reassigned to counting sunspots in Nebraska. Another scientist described current operations as an “absolute sh*tshow,” which is still less messy than the actual climate projections.
“Strengthening” with a 47% Budget Cut
NASA insists this isn’t about cuts, but “adapting the way we work and invest.” That’s why climate scientists are now expected to run billion-dollar climate simulations on secondhand Chromebooks and create hurricane models using Microsoft Paint. At least one research group has already been replaced by ChatGPT and a Magic 8 Ball.
From Armstrong Hall to the Hallway
After decades inside Columbia University’s Armstrong Hall, GISS scientists were “evacuated” last week and now conduct breakthrough climate research from a series of coffee shops, laundry rooms, and, for one unlucky intern, a Chick-fil-A bathroom. NASA has promised the new virtual set-up will increase “collaboration,” mostly with whatever Wi-Fi signal is available.
Climate Modeling in the Age of Uncertainty
NASA’s new “Earth system virtual institute” is tasked with merging four research centers into one “streamlined” program, a word that here means “running on the honor system.” Meanwhile, Republicans celebrate the agency’s new focus on “fiscal responsibility”—which mostly means sending their scientists home before lunch. GISS as an independent entity is done, but don’t worry: if you need to know next year’s global temperature, there’s probably an app for that.
Quote of the Moment
Morale at GISS has never been lower, and it feels for all of us that we are being abandoned by NASA leadership.
Anonymous NASA scientist
