NEED TO KNOW
- Scientists warn the moon might finally have to do something besides look pretty
- Asteroid YR4 expected to hit moon, causing dust, panic, and zero TikToks from astronauts
- NASA confirms impact will not affect Earth, but may inconvenience several billion poets
After millennia of quietly haunting lovers, lunatics, and low-budget werewolves, the moon may finally get a day off from being completely useless. Astronomers now predict that asteroid 2024 YR4, a 200-foot cosmic bowling ball, could slam into our long-ignored lunar sidekick in 2032, ending its impressive 5,000-year streak of just sitting there like a celestial porch light.
Scientists say the asteroid won’t harm Earth but may create a spectacular meteor shower, a mildly interesting crater, and up to two whole weeks of disrupted horoscope accuracy. NASA also warned that the dust cloud could temporarily obscure the moon’s ability to “inspire mediocre acoustic guitar albums.”
While lunar advocates on Instagram posted #PrayForTheMoon, Elon Musk announced a new MoonForce X division to “stand bravely in space and vibe at the asteroid until it chills.” The Biden administration responded by forming a task force led by the Department of Interior, citing “the moon is technically outside, right?”
Meanwhile, humanity remains split. Half are calling it fake news, and the other half are prepping GoFundMe campaigns to launch Bruce Willis and a vape rig into orbit.
Earth’s most consistent lightbulb might finally flicker. And for the first time since inventing boredom, the moon will be trending for something other than being full during breakups.
Quote of the moment
The moon’s had a good run. But maybe it’s time it pulled its own gravitational weight
Dr. Val Skronik, Chair of Useless Space Rocks & Lunar Accountability
