NEED TO KNOW
- Trump’s ex-faith adviser pleads guilty to child sex abuse
- White House praises his “anti-woke values” and “low ESG score”
- Evangelicals remain confident “God uses deeply problematic men”
The White House tried to downplay outrage on Thursday after Donald Trump’s former spiritual adviser, Pastor Robert Morris, pled guilty to five felony counts of child sexual abuse. In a statement, press officials stressed that “being a predator isn’t ideal, but at least he’s not woke.”
Morris, once a proud member of Trump’s Evangelical Advisory Board, will serve a short jail term and register as a sex offender. The administration called the case “unfortunate but forgivable,” noting that “unlike the left, Pastor Morris never tried to cancel Christmas.”
Redemption, Rebranding, and Revision
Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt said the president believes everyone deserves a second chance, especially if they once endorsed a tax cut. “Look, he sinned. Everyone sins. But he never forced anyone to read gender theory,” she explained. “That’s what separates us from the true monsters.”
Republicans rushed to frame the conviction as a distraction from what they called “the real moral crisis,” pointing instead to the number of churches using rainbow banners. “Yes, he abused a child,” one strategist said. “But did you see that Pride display at Target? Now that’s evil.”
Faith Over Felonies
At Gateway Church, where Morris preached for decades, leaders asked congregants to forgive quickly and tithe even faster. “This is a test of faith and a chance to show grace,” one elder told reporters. “Also, we’re offering a special donation tier called ‘Forgive and Forget.’”
Trump offered his own comments during a rally, calling Morris “a tremendous man, very respected, maybe the most forgiven pastor of all time.” The president added, “You know, Jesus said love your enemies. And this guy—he had a few.”
For now, the White House seems confident the base will stay loyal. After all, moral outrage has never polled as strongly among voters who already forgave adultery, hush money, and classified document karaoke nights.
If your moral compass points anywhere but Mar-a-Lago, it’s probably broken
Reverend Buck Smoak, Faith & Freedom PAC
