NEED TO KNOW
- Trump claimed he was “technically the 13th apostle” because “Judas was a weak closer”
- He referred to Al Capone as “the late, great Alphonse” in the middle of a prayer
- Faith leaders clapped awkwardly while trying not to inhale the holy water mist
During what was supposed to be a reverent White House Faith Office luncheon, President Donald Trump startled attendees by declaring himself “the 13th Apostle,” citing Judas’s “poor salesmanship” and claiming Jesus “always liked dealmakers.” The event, held in the State Dining Room, devolved into a theological freestyle as Trump compared himself to Jesus, Capone, and a gallon of $1.95 gas.
“I ended the war on faith, brought God back to the public square, and I’ve never once charged Him rent,” Trump said, holding his notes upside-down while simultaneously misquoting Leviticus and ExxonMobil’s quarterly report.
Witnesses say the declaration came moments after Trump claimed to be under more scrutiny than “the late, great Alphonse Capone” and then launched into a tangent about gas prices in Iowa. “They’re lower than the Sermon on the Mount,” he insisted, to polite nods from several donors who had stopped trying to follow.
“Judas was a loser, okay? Couldn’t close. You want betrayal, I’ve seen worse from Jeff Sessions,” Trump added, just before miscounting his indictments and asserting his Bible had “five Corinthians.”
Despite the confusion, attendees clapped throughout, some believing the apostle line was metaphor, others assuming it was just branding.
Quote of the moment
I’m not saying I’m Jesus, but a lot of people are saying that, and I’ve seen the polling
Donald Trump
