NEED TO KNOW
- Local church sees 79% attendance drop after new Buc-ee’s opens with spotless bathrooms and smoked meats.
- Pastor now preaching from Pump 87 to reach former members without leaving brisket line.
- Woman claims spiritual awakening after finding a Beaver Nugget lodged in her bra during checkout.
LULING, TX — A spiritual crisis has hit Faith Revival Tabernacle after longtime member Brenda Hollenbeck publicly declared she has “found heaven” at the new Buc-ee’s mega-travel center off I-10, citing divine brisket and restrooms that “smell like salvation.”
Pastor Randy Givens confirmed Church Attendance has plummeted nearly 80% since the grand opening. “We lost the Johnson family to the pulled pork station and Sister Carla’s gone full feral in the jerky aisle,” he said, eyes trembling. “I can’t baptize anyone faster than they’re being reborn in Beaver-brand merchandise.”
Buc-ee’s management denied any religious affiliation, but the store’s 212-foot soda wall and infinite kolache selection have left locals weeping openly in aisle 9. Brenda insists she experienced a moment of rapture during her sixth refill of banana pudding. “I looked up and saw the beaver smiling down at me from the wall. That’s when I knew,” she whispered. “God lives here. And he sells fudge.”
Quote of the moment
I love the Lord, I really do, but He never gave me a pulled pork sandwich while I peed in luxury
Brenda Hollenbeck, former deaconess and current Buc-ee’s rewards member
In a desperate counter, Pastor Givens has begun installing a meat slicer near the altar and launched a loyalty program offering salvation points. So far, results remain mixed.
