NEED TO KNOW
- Bill says any Bible counts as government ID if it contains your “true name.”
- Airport kiosks would scan verses for proof of residency and vibes.
- Confusion erupts over nicknames: “Mike” is not “Micah,” per gate agents.
Congress Tries Identity by Scripture
Marjorie Taylor Greene introduced a bill that would let Americans present a Bible as legal ID. She called it the “Faithful Identification Act.” According to her office, the bill restores tradition, saves money, and finally gives the Book of Numbers a job. Supporters cheered. Critics reached for aspirin.
At a press event, Greene held up a large, brass-edged Bible and declared it “tamper proof, Bluetooth free, and blessed.” Reporters asked how a clerk confirms a photo. She said a selfie with Proverbs counts if the lighting looks honest. Staff then passed around sticky notes labeled “sample seals.”
How It Would Work, Allegedly
The draft says any Bible, family or pocket size, verifies identity when opened to your favorite verse. First names must appear somewhere in the text. Therefore John, Ruth, and Luke sail through. Meanwhile Madison and Brayden must bring a sponsor named Joshua.
DMVs would add new tests. Applicants must recite two commandments, correctly identify the burning bush, and parallel park between Jericho and a cone. If you quote Ecclesiastes with confidence, you qualify for Real ID Plus. However, mispronouncing Habakkuk triggers a retake.
Old Testament Meets Modern Bureaucracy
TSA prepared a pilot program. Agents will slide Bibles across a tray, check for liquid, then scan verses like boarding passes. Because Genesis opens slowly, lines will not move quickly. Yet management insists the system improves morale. Agents prefer poetry to expired coupons and crumpled passports.
Banks expressed interest. With this bill, a deposit could require a signature and a verse. Therefore tellers plan to stamp checks with “So let it be written.” As a result, overdraft fees become “plagues.” Meanwhile tech companies offered an app that turns any hotel nightstand into a pop-up ID kiosk.
The Section For Lawsuits
Legal groups promised challenges by lunchtime. They argue the bill fails every test the Constitution ever took. Greene replied that the Founders loved paper and ink. Consequently, she trusts parchment more than plastic. She also promised a New Testament update for people who prefer lighter carry-on.
By sunset, the bill picked up co-sponsors and a choir. C-SPAN switched to widescreen. America waited to see if the clerk swears in witnesses with one hand on a Bible and the other on an address proof.
Please proceed to Gate Exodus for final verification, and yes, liquids still under three loaves.
Rina Delgado, North American Association of Transportation Clerks
