NEED TO KNOW
- Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy steps in to mediate the great American ego war between Donald Trump and Elon Musk.
- Zelenskyy promises a peace summit “with nap time and juice boxes,” provided everyone agrees to use their inside voices.
- Global markets brace for impact as both leaders insist on being the “big spoon.”
Zelenskyy to the Rescue
In a move that stunned the international community and most kindergarten teachers, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy has offered to broker a historic peace deal between President Donald Trump and Elon Musk. Observers say Zelenskyy’s experience negotiating with actual dictators will come in handy as he tries to keep both men from fighting over who gets to sit at the head of the table.
Playground Rules for Billionaires
The proposed summit will take place at an undisclosed Chuck E. Cheese, where Zelenskyy hopes the abundance of pizza and animatronic distractions will calm the combatants. Sources confirm the agreement will include strict guidelines: no live-tweeting, no hair-pulling, and absolutely no launching rockets during recess.
A World Watching—And Laughing
Experts predict this could be the highest-rated peace summit since the last time Trump tried to spell “Ukraine” on Truth Social. “If Zelenskyy can keep these two from trading insults for ten consecutive minutes, he deserves the Nobel Prize in Babysitting,” said one observer. Meanwhile, the United Nations is on standby to provide juice boxes and a timeout corner.
Global Stakes, Local Naps
Markets responded with cautious optimism. Musk’s shares in DOGE rose when he promised to “play nice, maybe,” while Trump’s approval rating among imaginary friends spiked overnight. Zelenskyy, when asked if he regretted getting involved, replied, “Honestly, it beats tank maintenance.”
Quote of the Moment
If they behave, maybe I’ll let them ride the SpaceX simulator
Volodymyr Zelenskyy
