From Tariffs to Toys, and Then Straight Into Therapy
President Donald Trump announced a 100 percent tariff on all Mattel products during a press event that began with economic posturing and quickly derailed into toy-based trauma. Although he framed the move as a bold stance against unfair trade, several aides confirmed he was still fixated on a Jack-in-the-Box he never received as a child.
“It popped out for other kids,” he said. “Never for me. Never for America.”
The Politics of Plastic and Payback
According to Trump, the tariff is meant to defend American children from “foreign springs, surprise clowns, and poorly constructed dolls with leftist leanings.” He also claimed Barbie once gave him a “funny look,” which may or may not have been a reflection on her permanently raised eyebrows.
Reporters pressed for details. In response, Trump displayed a photo of a Lego wall and said, “Now that’s infrastructure.”
Mattel Plays It Cool
Executives at Mattel declined direct comment, though one was overheard whispering, “He knows Jack-in-the-Boxes aren’t made anymore, right?” The company’s stock dipped slightly before rebounding after rumors spread that Hasbro was “on standby with a Mr. Potato Head contingency plan.”
Toy industry insiders are watching closely. If this trend continues, board game tariffs may follow. Candy Land could be labeled a psychological operation, and Hungry Hungry Hippos might be reclassified as an agricultural threat.
Childhood Grudges and Economic Policy Collide
Supporters cheered Trump’s bold action. “This is about dignity,” said one man in a novelty foam MAGA visor. “No country can thrive if its children are terrorized by spring-loaded jesters from abroad.”
Others remained skeptical. “It’s possible the tariff is less about trade and more about trauma,” said one policy analyst. “But then again, most of us have unresolved Fisher-Price issues.”
