NEED TO KNOW
- Trump vows to “audit” Mount Rushmore for bias.
- Historians quietly terrified he’ll actually do it.
- Lincoln reportedly “rolling in grave,” though Trump claims that’s “fake motion.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump reportedly erupted during a lunch with Senate Republicans after hearing that historians ranked him third among U.S. presidents, behind George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. “They’re not historians, they’re Deep State librarians,” Trump said, slamming what he called the “rigged syllabus of American greatness.”
Sources inside the White House said Trump immediately ordered a “ratings review” of every history textbook in the country, demanding that publishers include “Trump Era revisions” and “updated leadership statistics.” One staffer described the atmosphere as “half book burning, half talent show.”
Washington, Lincoln, and the ‘Unfair Curve’
During remarks in the Rose Garden, Trump acknowledged Washington’s early lead but questioned the fairness of “grading on a wooden-teeth curve.” He also accused Lincoln of “cheating with the emancipation thing,” claiming it was “a total publicity stunt” that “wouldn’t trend today without AI help.”
Trump went on to tout his own record-breaking peace achievements, citing his acceptance of the Richard Nixon Foundation’s Architect of Peace Award. “Nixon never got canceled, I didn’t either,” he said. “We’re basically the same guy, except I’m taller and more honest.”
‘History Has Been Very Unfair to Me’
According to aides, Trump’s frustration deepened after Fox News ran a segment titled “Top Three Presidents of All Time,” which placed him behind Washington and Lincoln but ahead of Franklin D. Roosevelt. “That’s fine, FDR couldn’t even stand up to me,” Trump reportedly told staff, adding that the ranking was “probably fake polling from the 1800s.”
By evening, Trump announced plans for a new federal agency called the Department of Historical Accuracy and Greatness, to be led by his son Eric, “a man who really gets monuments.” The agency’s first assignment will be an official survey asking Americans to “reconsider what greatness really means when you’re me.”
Historians have expressed concern that Trump’s ongoing revision efforts could destabilize academic institutions. However, Trump dismissed their warnings as “snooze alarm propaganda.”
“I’ve done more for history than any president in history, maybe ever,” he told reporters. “I made history great again.”
We’re still fact-checking whether Washington really existed. The evidence is suspiciously old.
Dr. Halper Greene, National Historical Trust
